I’ve had the privilege of knowing women that have positively influenced my life. Starting way back in high school, I’ve been surrounded by women that awed me, inspired me. Betty Eliopoulos, my high school foreign language teacher, was one of those women. Ms. Eliopoulos was barely five foot tall, even in the high heels she wore daily, and so tiny and petite that our mild California winds could have blown her over. She never wore pants, she always had on full makeup, her hair was always coiffed (yes, that’s the term one uses when describing Betty Eliopoulos), she never raised her voice, and for the love of God, she insisted on calling me by my much hated given name in French class. But, the woman was amazing.
Later, towards the end of my military career, I met Peg Klein. Navy Admiral Peg Klein was a pilot, chief of staff for an entire strike group, and Commandant of Midshipmen at the US Naval Academy. I didn’t know any of that when I reported to my last command and served under her. I knew her as a humble, humorous woman that liked to use my desk after hours because we are both left handed. Yet, she left an impression in my mind that to this day drives me.
There are more, but the question is – why did these two women, in particular, inspire me? One was a high school teacher, one a Navy admiral. One wore dresses and makeup daily; the other literally wore combat boots. There aren’t two women more diametrically opposed than Betty Eliopoulos and Peg Klein. And, let’s be honest, neither accomplished anything that hasn’t been done before. Female foreign language teachers are commonplace in every high school, and the Navy has had female pilots since 1974. These two women were confident and powerful, yes, but so is nearly every man I meet. So, what is it about these women that inspired me? In short, these women had voices.
By voice, I don’t mean literal voice, but the ability to speak up, to participate, to be taken seriously.
It’s not so unusual to have a voice. For women, it’s unusual for that voice to be heard. We need to take a step back in history to understand that. Mary Beard, in her book Power and Women: A Manifesto does an excellent job of showing how, throughout history, Western women have been silenced. Using classical literary references, Ms. Beard provides examples of Western thinking and culture silencing women through the ages. From Telemachus telling his mother, Penelope, to be quiet and return to the realm of women after she voiced her displeasure of an entertainer’s song to Zeus threatening his wife Hera with violence after she disagrees with the course the Trojan War, the very beginnings of written Western society condition its citizens that women, in a public forum, have no rightful voice. So pervasive is this thought that we joke about it: “Everyone knows behind closed doors, she wears the pants.”
Language, created on the spoken word of our ancient Western civilizations, continues the silencing of women. Many languages, such as Spanish, French, and German have grammatical gender. Words in these languages are understood to be masculine or feminine, something Ms. Eliopoulos drilled into my head during my high school years. Because the language we use has significant effects on our cognition and world view, engendering words and phrases puts us on a path to cognitively think differently about men and women. Even in languages where grammatical gender doesn’t exist, such as English, positive connotations exist with words linked to men more than words linked to women. “Manpower” and “right-hand man” are masculine phrases associated with people society wants to hear from; “Debby downer” and “whiny” are feminine phrases describing people nobody wants to listen to.
Language does matter; it has an impact even if that was not the speaker’s intent.
This was a long time ago, though, right? Centuries ago. Western society has progressed to the point where a woman’s voice is heard just as equally as a man’s. Well… not really. During my first tour on board a ship as a Naval Officer, I had a male Ops Boss. I was the Communications Officer, and I had nearly 10 years under my belt working on and managing communications gear. When something was inoperable, it was my responsibility to ensure my folks got it fixed. It was also my job to ensure the Ops Boss knew what was going on. For nearly six months, this man called in my Chief, subordinate to me but also a man, to explain exactly what I had just explained minutes before. Many times, my Chief used the exact same words that I had, except his were met with understanding of the problem and appreciation for “being on top of it.”
Still, even that was over a decade ago. Surely we’ve gotten better? You’d think that is the case. Yet, in 2016, Raheem Kassam, the UK Independence Party candidate, tweeted about First Minister Nicola Sturgeon: “Can someone just, like … tape Nicola Sturgeon’s mouth shut?” In 2017, Tony Abbot suggested that Australia’s Sex Discrimination Commissioner Kate Jenkins should “pull her head in,” or, shut up and mind her own business. Later that same year, sports anchor Jemele Hill was suspended for her public support of NFL players’ peaceful protests, something that no male sports anchor experienced.
The business importance of hearing women’s voices comes down to the bottom line. Successful, long lasting businesses need women. Study after study have shown that businesses that have women in top leadership fare considerably better than those with mostly male executives. Adding women to the boardroom increases profits by increasing diversity and experience at the level where decisions are made. Strategically, women bring persistence, emotional intelligence, natural collaboration and networking to the mix; tactically, women are master multi-taskers, communicators, and planners. So what is needed to leverage women? We need to hear their voices.
Hearing a woman, especially for men that have been unconsciously conditioned to silence women, requires intent and a different approach. Listening to women is hard work; it’s harder, in fact, than listening to another man. Women’s voices are more complex and more melodic than men’s and activate a different section of the brain. In short, a man must pay attention to what is being said by women much more than if he was listening to another man. So first and foremost, engage in active listening. Put aside distractions, look at her for non-verbal cues, and listen with an intent of hearing what is said instead of preparing your next comment.
While listening, stop interrupting her. This is key; women are talked over, interrupted, shut down, ignored, and penalized for speaking out in conversations and meetings at significantly higher rates than men. To further complicate this issue, women don’t often speak up until they really know. It’s only when they really know what they are talking about that women speak up. To hear a woman, men must let her finish speaking. The use of amplification, a meeting tactic where men ensure women are heard by stopping others from interrupting, repeating what a woman said and giving her credit for her own ideas and statements is key.
Most of us assume certain things as we speak to another. A date, a meaning, an inference. However, when you’re speaking with someone that is harder to listen to and is often interrupted, assumptions are a recipe for misunderstandings. Clarify – don’t assume. The biggest thing men can do to improve women’s lives at work, according to Mary Barra, CEO of General Motors, is to “Stop making assumptions.” A colleague of mine, a head recruiter in her firm, is often misunderstood by her boss simply because he doesn’t take the time to clarify what is being said. When she says she has commitment from a candidate, he assumes that means a signed offer letter. He doesn’t ask for clarification; it never occurs to him that she might have a different definition of “commitment” than he does. Ask what she means, clarify your understanding, leave assumptions behind.
Listen actively – to what is said
Amplify – so others hear
Clarify – to understand
Lastly, and most importantly, drop the stereotypes. Women that speak up aren’t bitches; they are leaders. It’s well known that women who speak up, are assertive or decisive, or don’t act “feminine” enough are viewed as abrasive and rude. They are often disliked in a business setting. Men exhibiting the same characteristics, however, are perceived as more helpful, confident, as leaders. When we listen to women, we need to drop the stereotypes; is she really being rude or is it being perceived that way because she’s an assertive woman? There really is no difference between a man and a woman saying “This has to be done by Monday.” A woman shouldn’t have to say “What do you think about getting this done by Monday?” in order to not appear abrasive or rude. Imagine a man saying the exact same thing; if it doesn’t seem abrasive, it isn’t regardless of the speaker’s gender.
Success in a fast-changing business environment requires all voices and ideas be heard and seriously considered. Businesses and teams that embrace this and give women true voices reap the benefits of more business, higher profits, happier employees. It’s time we dropped the cultural, age-old training of how women are heard and embrace the tactics that will ensure they can contribute to business success.
